When you enjoy the exquisite kind of agony
Is it okay to express the exquisite kind of agony? I just came across with the idea of writing a letter. Well, I have no idea why I am writing this to you. I am not successful or moneyed now when I am writing this to you. I love you, I truly believe in love and there is still hope in me that is why I am writing this letter to you and maybe you’ll find this letter depressing too but it is what it is. There is just one thing I want to ask you before I crib about all my difficulties. Do you love me? Yes? No? Don’t know? Well, I do and will always do no matter what but honestly, I am exhausted now. I just want to take a leap and skip this process of loving you. It’s not because I am done loving you, it can never happen and you know that and if you don’t, you must. Love came to me like the spring breeze with that beaming smile every time I met with her eyes, you know what, I could have done anything for you only if I know the direction. But that is not the case here. I don’t know but then after some time, you started appearing to me as the farthest person to reach. I perceived that the problem is serious when I started thinking about you eternally. Presently, I realized that you are not my want anymore, you’ve become my need now. Stop! Stop Shubham, you need to stop; my mind started reminding my heart every time but I was in love, can’t help it.
Do you have any idea how much my heart aches and my soul craves for you? It misses you every time. You know that you’ve consumed my thoughts and I just can’t think of anything else now. I’ve never been so drawn to something in the life before. People often say that grief and sorrow is the price we pay for love. Is that so? I think so now. I fell in love with you and confessed, now this smiling face doesn’t smile anymore. Why? Is something wrong with me? Why loving someone has to be so hard? Why?
Yes, I cry, I cry a lot sometimes and it’s not because I am a fragile person from inside or so. Sometimes tears are the only thing that can flush out all your sadness, so sometimes it is better to let them flow out of your eyes. I have no idea what you think of me, you might think that I carry no different persona from others, you might think that I am the same too like all other guys but believe me I am not, I never was actually. I write for you because I like to, I don’t just write deliberately, it just happens. Have you ever re-read all my writings for you and try to comprehend them? Have you ever tried to feel them the way I felt while writing them? I am sure you haven’t and it is okay.
I truly understand that it is not the same from your side and it is completely fine but just let me know once. I just want the reply of all those writings which I write for you. I still remember what you said to me once, you said “Love attracts love, the person who loves me can make me fall in love with him too”. Don’t I love you? Or maybe my love is not enough to attract yours. I might be very difficult to love but I love you with my entire heart no matter what you think of me. I still have that lopsided love for you and it will always remain with me and I want you to know that you are special to me and will always remain. I am saying this because of the type of person I am.
But I still hope that someday you’ll close my eyes from behind and whisper in my ears “I Love You”…
Agony is suffering and suffering is vital, though it is a negative word to say but I would love to use this word as a positive one because I personally think that suffering either physically or mentally changes you a lot. Actually suffering is a state where you undergo pain, distress, etc. and these make you even stronger.
Picture Courtesy: Instagram @Firelush and @mermaidblissing
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